1000 Best Funny Quotes

It's funny how God will change your plans for you when he's ready. Brett Young

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger

I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. Jon Pardi

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov

Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things. Adam Sandler

My mum passing away wasn't funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation. Kevin Hart

People don't realize that I'm really funny and I'm an excellent bridge player. Sheryl Crow

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. Clint Eastwood

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. Steven Wright

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. Steven Wright

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. Sparky Anderson

Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. John Krasinski

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. Don Marquis

Careers are funny things. They begin mysteriously and, just as mysteriously, they can end; and I am at just the very beginning of what I hope will be a long and satisfying life in the theater. But, whatever happens, I am grateful to have had my novice work received so well, and so quickly. Edward Albee

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. Wavy Gravy

I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn't pronounce my R's. I wasn't a beauty. Barbara Walters

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Wilson Mizner

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer. Milton Berle

We are all born mad. Some remain so. Samuel Beckett

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny. Jeff Dunham

I would love to interview Michael McKean and his wife, who wrote the songs for 'A Mighty Wind,' which is my favorite Christopher Guest movie. I'm just a sucker for any funny guy that has a wife who is intelligent and that he collaborates with. Julie Klausner

I don't think I'm a funny person in general. I have had to learn comedy. Ashton Kutcher

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine

I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week. Eric Idle

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny. Mindy Kaling

I really, really like 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of the few things that makes me laugh. It's almost too funny to get an award. Denis Leary

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. Roy Orbison

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. Thomas A. Edison

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Josh Billings

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. Larry David

Your name is a funny thing. It stands for what you're about, and everything I do is really about pride. Tom Ford

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. Gertrude Stein

I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people. Greg Boyle

I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman

'Lucky' is for laughs, and there's really nothing funny that I'm doing on 'Dexter.' I think more than anything, both comment on the fact that anybody is capable of anything. Just because they are the shy guy in the corner doesn't mean that they are a harmless little bunny. Colin Hanks

If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. Michael J. Fox

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks. Joe Rogan

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. Graham Norton

Ladies are honest. They're my motivation. They know what's funny, and the dudes just follow. Tracy Morgan

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. Robin Williams

I'm very lighthearted, outgoing, friendly, and funny, so I like to try new things. Chandler Parsons

I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. Shaquille O'Neal

I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. Johnny Depp

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Pretty people don't keep comedies on the air. Funny people keep comedies on the air. Allison Jones

There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me. Margot Robbie

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. Will Rogers

I don't really talk about my personal life. It's a strange and funny and weird thing. Sometimes you have a conversation with someone and the paparazzi snaps a picture of you and people decide you're dating. If I try to answer everything people say, I would be up all night. Tracee Ellis Ross

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? Christina Aguilera

You know, he would go and look at different funny books because he wanted his character to be different and make different faces. I saw a funny book in his room and it looked like the same character he was playing. It was about a duck. Bubba Smith

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. Elayne Boosler

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. Hillary Clinton

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny. Jeff Daniels

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end. Billy Collins

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. Ellen DeGeneres

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That's why we're such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, 'Are people interested?' But I think our band has something and they know we don't just put albums out. We do think about it. Bono

You know what's funny? There's times when you catch a ball and really didn't even see that ball. You're like, 'That couldn't have been all me.' Calvin Johnson

The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. J. K. Rowling

Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

I guess the producers saw me and knew I was literate and I always tried to be alert and it's funny because you have to have a sharpness to do those shows, especially some of the ones I did in later years. June Lockhart

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

The drawings in 'Portal' were actually me scribbling that stuff... I had a funny moment when I realized that someone gotten 'The cake is a lie' tattooed on themselves. It was really interesting to see my handwriting tattooed on another human being. That... that's odd. Kim Swift

Old white guys can be a funny bunch, can't they? The same anti-same-sex marriage, anti-affirmative action cadre can flower into the biggest supporters of 'equality' the minute they get a whiff of minority empowerment. John Ridley

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. Arthur C. Clarke


I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable. Stephen Colbert

I like drama. I love being in a drama where I get to be the funny guy. That's what I really love the most. John Leguizamo

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. Calvin Trillin

We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. Louis Aragon

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm. Guillermo del Toro

You can film me 24 hours a day and you'll get a very accurate picture of who I am. You see the funny side, I work hard, and I try to be honest and just call it how it is. Lisa Vanderpump

Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. Bernard Sahlins

It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well. Nick Jonas

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper

To be or not to be. That's not really a question. Jean-Luc Godard

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. Amy Poehler

I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can't read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way. Michael Buble

A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. Barbara Corcoran

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. Steven Wright

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy. Hedy Lamarr

I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. Nora Dunn

All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover

I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. Bebe Rexha

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

I'm thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know. Prince

I never liked you, and I always will. Samuel Goldwyn

I like funny things, but I don't find myself particularly funny. Chris Messina

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. Billy Wilder

I love the sad songs with their maudlin, self-deprecating, almost funny lyrics. As an Englishman, they make a lot of sense. Teddy Thompson

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger

I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it. Lil' Kim

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families. Maria Shriver

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. Stevie Wonder

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. Jean de la Bruyere

Macho does not prove mucho. Zsa Zsa Gabor

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. Peter Sellers

There are precedents for what happens when societies allow the divide between rich and poor to get so huge that it stops being funny and starts becoming a sick, blood-boiling joke. If you had a Tardis, you could go back to 1917 and ask the Russian royal family how it was all going. John Niven

It's funny how we 'do' Christmas. Christmas is not something that we do, it is something that was done. It celebrates the long awaited arrival of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. We had nothing to do with it, but what we can do is praise God for the coming of the Lord, who washed away the sins of the world by dying on the cross. Monica Johnson

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things. David Walliams

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend. Lucy Liu

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. Bill Hicks

I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. Marilyn Manson

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior. Scarlett Johansson

Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. Carol Burnett

The tricky thing becomes: Do you know yourself well enough to then portray that on screen? And for me, I find that really hard. I'd rather hide behind accents and funny walks. Joel Edgerton

As a kid, I thought of myself as a funny person who secretly wanted to be serious, but now I think maybe I'm a serious person who secretly wants to be funny. Noah Baumbach


I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. Paula Deen

I used to say I wanted somebody funny and intelligent, but kindness is the most important quality in a man. Cat Deeley

Being called a 'music legend' is a very funny thing. It's nice to know that my work has been appreciated and that people have given me that status. On a personal level, however, I can't think about it too much. It means a lot... but then it doesn't. Chris Squire

My grandchildren are fabulous and funny. Erica Jong

It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician, but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing. Gary Oldman

I don't have to be bam, bam, bam, funny when I'm working. I can tell stories, and there's some funny in them. Whoopi Goldberg

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. David Ogilvy

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny. Rihanna

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

The funny thing is that when you have any form of presentation to your band, meaning you have the foresight to see outside of your creativity, you have a bigger vision. Nikki Sixx

I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much. Dav Pilkey

I read part of it all the way through. Samuel Goldwyn

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. Steve Martin

I don't mean to be funny. Yogi Berra

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' Steven Wright

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck

I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. Emmitt Smith

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. Mercedes McCambridge

There's different kinds of improv. There's Second City improv where you try to slowly build a nice sketch. There's stuff you do in college coffee houses where you just go joke, joke, joke. Bring another funny character with a funny hat on his head. Christopher Guest is more the line of trying to get a story out. Fred Willard

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' Claude Pepper

It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid. Catherine McCormack

It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem

It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. Molly O'Keefe

That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. Paul Simon

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl! Hailee Steinfeld

I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers. Patrick Ness

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. Andre Maurois

It's so funny, I've done so many projects where I've been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I'm always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not. Aaron Paul

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers

Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me. George Harrison

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe. Jerry Lewis

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. Stephen King

When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown. Nora Dunn

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett

In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings. Josh Zuckerman


There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller

Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's what makes it funny. It's not being stuck in your character and how you're gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation. Yara Shahidi

The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking. Agyness Deyn

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. P. G. Wodehouse

I'm somebody who believes in funny things, and laughing, but I do like for them to come from a place that addresses the human condition. Natasha Lyonne

Let's make some funny pictures. Tex Avery

Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family. Salman Rushdie

The avant-garde theater is fun; it is free-swinging, bold, iconoclastic, and often wildly, wildly funny. If you will approach it with childlike innocence - putting your standard responses aside, for they do not apply - if you will approach it on its own terms, I think you will be in for a liberating surprise. Edward Albee

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. Sabrina Carpenter

Having a solo career is a funny thing. Daryl Hall

A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers. Rosanna Pansino

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. Mitt Romney

I follow the most random people on Twitter. I follow famous people like Khloe Kardashian, who surprisingly makes really funny tweets all the time. Chloe Grace Moretz

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. Jimmy Carr

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things. Terry Jones

Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing. Elle King

Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. Virat Kohli

You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. Matthew Desmond

Some characters think more like me than others; some think more like my dad or someone else. It certainly is made up of my experiences, things I've heard, things I think are funny, things I think are sad. There's sort of a strange, blurry version of yourself in there. Watt Key

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Johnny Carson

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were. Rob Delaney

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't. Garry Shandling

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. O. Henry

As a youngster, my mother and father always drilled into my head having something to fall back on. My father was kind of funny. I'd score 40 points. I'd come home and say, 'Look dad, I scored 40.' He'd never have a smile on his face. He'd be like, 'I saw that move you did. What if you'd hurt your knee?' Shaquille O'Neal

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley

I've had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn't get educated in school. So we try to lay on a bit of that, through being funny, being serious, playing hard. Bruce Springsteen

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. Louis XIV

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. O. Henry

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument. Ed Sheeran

It's funny, but when there are dominant teams, there are a number of people who rail about the fact that they're always seeing the Dallas Cowboys or the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay either in the playoffs or in the Super Bowl. Al Michaels

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. Kate McKinnon

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink. Karl Lagerfeld

What's funny is that you can think you really value your life until you almost lose it. Alan Alda

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. Beth Ditto

Let's have some new cliches. Samuel Goldwyn


Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself. Christina Grimmie

I trained at The Groundlings and was surrounded by some very funny women and also some very unfunny men. I didn't feel a sense of things being different because I was a girl. Kaitlin Olson

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. Milton Berle

I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation. Pharrell Williams

It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. Aml Ameen

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase

Sometimes I am so dry that people don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny. Robert Crais

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. P. J. O'Rourke

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. Robin Williams

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. Demetri Martin

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin

It's funny how getting older - or being overlooked and underrated for more than two decades - can make you change your ambitions. Reg E. Cathey

I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. Chris Eigeman

What is extraordinary about the character of Edna - and I speak as though I am completely outside this character and I am talking to you - I'm, as it were, in the wings, and she's on stage, and every now and then she says something extremely funny, and I stand there and think: 'I wish I'd thought of that.' Barry Humphries

The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. Will Ferrell

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. Jean Baudrillard

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' Isaac Asimov

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like. William Feather

Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us. Robert Klein

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Alexander Woollcott

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. Hesiod

I tell you, it's funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day. Magic Johnson

I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do. Millie Bobby Brown

I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. Pink

I have the curse of thinking funny! Adam West

Ritesh Deshmukh is rock star. He has a lovely family. He works so hard, and he's a great actor. He's funny, friendly, doesn't have an ego, and is so nice to everyone. He's a fine professional, a good husband, and a good father. That's a rock star for me. Nargis Fakhri

Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. Trevor Noah

I love my brothers' kids. It's funny - as an uncle, you become so protective of them. Liam Hemsworth

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. Lewis Black

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. George Eliot

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek? Tracey Ullman

I don't follow anything blindly. I have to know the entire thing, if I have to get in to it. It might sound funny to you, but it's like using English language. I use an English word only when I know its meaning and understand its connotation. You won't hear me say, 'What's up, dude' or anything like that just for the heck of it. Kailash Kher

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love. Nick Cannon

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. Ronald Reagan

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all. Lily Tomlin


The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno

When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. Kurt Vonnegut

A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally the straight man, and the laughs generally come on the reaction of the straight man to the funny thing the other person has done. Richard Ayoade

My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought. Brendon Urie

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry

I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. Kaskade

It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. Ryan Reynolds

It's funny how the ruthless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers' and 'Scarface,' and they were the coolest. They're just really interesting stories with great characters. They're rock stars. Elena Satine

The only way I was going to be funny was if I was myself, and either you liked it, or you didn't. Either you got on my train, or you didn't. Freeing myself of this idea that I had to fit a certain mold was when I was able to be my funniest. Aisha Tyler

I am the funny, crazy person. Loni Love

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Robert Byrne

I don't think there's just one person for everyone. It would be very hard for me to be with a guy who was not bright or funny. And he'd have to see the absurdities of the world, not exactly as I see them necessarily. Erica Jong

I tend to play characters that I can infuse with certain kinds of humour. Even the baddest guy can be funny in his own particular way. I want the audience to engage with the character on some deeper level so that they leave the cinema still thinking about him. Samuel L. Jackson

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen

I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone. Danny DeVito

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. Demetri Martin

I don't think of myself as a comedian, but as an artist, a scientist and chemist who just happens to be funny. I started doing stand-up to add another level to my game. I feel that I'm a young rookie with a veteran's skill. Marlon Wayans

To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. Roger Federer

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. Zach Galifianakis

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. Caroline Rhea

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry

Honestly, I like someone who is really grounded, super sweet, honest. I need them to have a sense of humor. I need them to laugh at what's funny, I need them to get jokes and be funny and be witty and sarcastic. Casper Smart

When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

My sister and I - she's a musician - we jam all the time. We always play around for giggles with stuff that seem unconventional or stuff that seems funny. A lot of the stuff sometimes is just a response from jam sessions in her room, so she'll be on the guitar or the keyboard, and we'll just start singing and doing stuff. Andra Day

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge

All my children inherited perfect pitch. Chevy Chase

I am interested in shows that are not out-and-out gag fests: you see the truth of a broken heart behind them. That is what life is like: it's really funny, you see funny things as soon as you step out of the room, but underneath that is a whole bag of broken hearts. It's that real pain and that real hilarity that makes life so intriguing. Tamsin Greig

I like funny girls. Shawn Mendes

The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously. Drew Barrymore

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit. Al Yankovic

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. George Jean Nathan

I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. Will Ferrell

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good. Eric Andre

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. Unknown

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky. Lee Trevino

One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. Bill Murray

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. Flannery O'Connor

The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. Dwayne Johnson

That word 'funny' always makes me feel uncomfortable. Because if I were trying to be funny, I would be something like Bill Wegman - he really tries to be funny. I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter, and I'm sort of reporting. John Baldessari

'Saturday Night Live' was like a university for funny. Tracy Morgan


I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. Anne Lamott

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. Leonardo DiCaprio

I love 'Goodfellas' because it's a great movie - it's funny and there is action at perfect points. I just think Martin Scorsese makes everyone look really cool. Booboo Stewart

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw

I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. Steve Harvey

I think I'm too cynical for L.A. My sense of humor doesn't go down well here, which probably affects my love life. I need to have a laugh track following me around so people know I'm trying to be funny. Teddy Thompson

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. David Brenner

The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette

There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. Tom Stoppard

I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. Elisabeth Moss

This may sound funny, but I feel my most beautiful when I'm clean, fresh out of the bath. I don't have to be dressed up. I could be in comfy clothes at home hanging out with my family. Faith Hill

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen

Films are big hits when they touch a lot of people. Things are not funny in a vacuum, they're funny because we respond to some personal dislocation, some embarrassment, some humiliation, some pain we've suffered, or some desire we have. Harold Ramis

So often, I read scripts and am like, 'This would never happen in real life. It's not trying to be funny. It's trying to be serious.' Shailene Woodley

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

Even Napoleon had his Watergate. Yogi Berra

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. Logan Pearsall Smith

After all is said and done, sit down. Bill Copeland

Life is funny, and that's why I celebrate it in my shows. Loni Love

Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. Carol Burnett

The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you. Robert M. Pirsig

When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you know that it's really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends from college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny. Darren Criss

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce

I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he's not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn't you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind? Alan Moore

Memories are doing funny things to us. Milos Forman

But a funny thing happened four years later. I was invited to play for an alumni team against the Red Wings. Ted Lindsay

Something funny certainly happens when palladium and platinum come into contact with hydrogen gas; it's one of the great mysteries still waiting to be solved on the periodic table. But it's quite a leap from 'something funny' to cold fusion. Sam Kean

It's funny when you follow your own sort of bliss, then other people tend to respond in kind, meaning audiences. It's really weird how that works, but it does seem to apply to 'Nancy & Beth' especially. Megan Mullally


You initially become funny as a kid because you're looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that's all to do with mother abandonment. I think John Cleese has his depressions, and Terry Gilliam's the same. All of us together make one completely insane person. Eric Idle

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. David Brenner

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

The people from 'The State' are close friends, but also some of the most incredibly funny people I know. Joe Lo Truglio

Nothing has ever touched on what fun childhood was. Summer holidays were bliss. We made home movies, with real stories in them. My father had such charm and charisma, and made everything so funny. Jane Birkin

Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power. J. Tillman

If your partner is consistently unhappy, it won't matter if they're incredibly sexy, wildly funny, impressively successful, adorably charismatic - your relationship will be weighed down under the heaviness of their moods. Karen Salmansohn

Now the point of comedy is not just looking funny, it's use of language. We have at our disposal a great language... and the imaginative, creative use of that language can be at the service of humour. Barry Humphries

Eddie Drake is sort of this loose cannon, funny, edgy guy, who has this really foolish, foolish mustache. Lee Tergesen

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Victor Hugo

With TV, you just have to finish the days and get the episodes out. And it's always going to be an impossible schedule. That's the funny thing with TV that not a lot of people realize. Dylan O'Brien

It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. Mindy Kaling

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx

The funny thing is all these school shootings that we have, always happen in very religious communities. Maybe it's because the centre of their lives is a big fat nothing and it's just a fantasy and there's nothing there. I think maybe that might have something to do with it. Matthew Bright

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. Doug Stanhope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. Kevin Nealon

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. Trevor Noah

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz

Every dogma has its day. Anthony Burgess


Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids. Garry Shandling

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. Taylor Swift

I'm not funny. What I am is brave. Lucille Ball

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H. L. Mencken

No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12. Rowan Atkinson

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. Robert Frost

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. P. J. O'Rourke

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. Sheena Easton

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. Samuel Johnson

All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it. Rickie Fowler

If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. Marlon Wayans

Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles. Katie McGrath

Plus, I love comic writing. Nothing satisfies me more than finding a funny way to phrase something. Michael Pollan

There's a lot more to me than just funny. Steve Harvey

What's funny is that an old Web site of mine just had one fake bio, and everyone went crazy for it. So when I made the new Web site, I thought, 'I just need to make this one even more absurd.' Jarrett J. Krosoczka

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. Michael Caine

Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. Milo Yiannopoulos

When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. Norm MacDonald

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Le Corbusier is an outstanding writer. His ideas achieved their impact in large measure because he could write so convincingly. His style is utterly clear, brusque, funny and polemical in the best way. Alain de Botton

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London

I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time. Martin Lawrence

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore. Yakov Smirnoff

Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage. Donald Glover

My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone. Kacey Musgraves

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford

I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. Christian Louboutin

Well, life is dark, isn't it? Mostly, it's dreadful. At the same time, death is funny too. I mean, look at the fuss we make of it. Upamanyu Chatterjee

When I was born I owed twelve dollars. George S. Kaufman

You know what's funny to me? Attitude. Don Rickles


All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead. Will Ferrell

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

I always believe in pants. You can play with your legs, your attitude, with pants. It's much more funny. It's much more sophisticated. It's much more arrogant, like a man with feminine attitude. I love pants. Sonia Rykiel

I think the amazing thing about 'Twin Peaks' was that it completely changed television from that point forward. It showed everyone that you can just sit really quiet with storylines and characters. It can be scary, it can be uncomfortable, it can be weirdly funny. Madchen Amick

You'll hear 'Hippie,' or, 'Get a haircut.' I like it. I think it's funny because they think we've never heard that before. So, like, good one. Jacob deGrom

Regardless of what I do, whether I write a book or whether I act or whether I host, I'll always do stand-up comedy because those moments, that's what I crave. If I do something funny, and I hear a crowd laugh in that moment, we're all sharing the exact same experience and the exact same feeling. Howie Mandel

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. Charles M. Schulz

I had a terrible time hiring rich people. It sounds funny, but the problem is when things go wrong they can ask, 'Why am I doing this?' You don't ever want anybody asking that question. You want them to say, 'I know why I'm doing it, I need the money, let's go' or whatever it is that draws them. Ben Horowitz

If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if I fail? Gene Wilder

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep. Jimmy Fallon

I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. Derek Jeter

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don't have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me. Lana Del Rey

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. H. G. Wells

I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction. Ben Stiller

I don't need to convince anybody that I know kung fu, but maybe somebody needs to know that I really can act, without doing a Chinese accent or a funny walk. David Carradine

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. Heath Ledger

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. Paula Poundstone

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. Demetri Martin

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. James Joyce

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant

It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. Satchel Paige

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life. Jimi Hendrix

I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny. Chris Pine

I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. R. L. Stine

There is this idea in comedy that you don't want to look like you care about your appearance because that takes away from what's real, what's important. And the real stuff is what's funny. Steve Howey

Everyone who has ever met me for at least five minutes knows I'm a really funny person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, so writing comedy comes naturally to me. Simone Elkeles

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. Michael Morpurgo

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. Tracy Morgan

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde


I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show. Andy Cohen

Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' Ron Funches

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. W. C. Fields

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. Zora Neale Hurston

I think the kick to doing comedy is just to get in a film with really funny people and let them do their jobs. I find that in most comedies, I'm not the funny one, which works out great. Amy Adams

The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. Ray Stevens

I specifically remember doing the musical 'Sweet Charity' at Stagedoor. I was playing Vittorio Vidal, which is a very funny part, and some other small roles. I couldn't really sing that well, but there were so many fun bits, and I just remember the tremendous adrenaline rush I felt from being onstage and hearing the audience enjoying it. Sebastian Stan

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. Larry David

I'm a prankster, so some of the - you know, I like a good joke. I think when it's funny, it's funny. Sean Spicer

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. Edward Abbey

What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny. Denis Leary

It's funny when people ask an actor what they want to play next, because you don't get to decide what you play. I don't know. I can only say this: I don't want to and have no interest in playing a plastic surgeon. That's for sure. I'm open to anything else. Dylan Walsh

I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious. Issa Rae

I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' Quincy Jones

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. Maya Angelou

The next time you have a thought... let it go. Ron White

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. Raymond Chandler

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. Eminem

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner

There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. Jeff Garlin

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. Lewis Black

In 2003, my mom actually gave me a call, which is funny because she works at the European Union in Brussels, Belgium, and let me know that there's a cool competition with robots across the desert. And I thought this was definitely something I wanted to be a part of. This was the first DARPA Grand Challenge. Anthony Levandowski

Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in. Hank Azaria

I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. Keke Palmer

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. Joe Rogan

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. Thor Heyerdahl

The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. Lele Pons

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can't afford the music. Tom Petty

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. Marcelene Cox


It's funny the way life works. Sometimes you go around in a weird path to find out exactly what it is that you love to do, and I'm happy that I've sort of discovered something that makes me really happy. Haylie Duff

I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure. Chuck Palahniuk

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather

It's so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it's this monster that consumes so many millennial lives. Cazzie David

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. Ruby Wax

Experience is a funny thing. You don't always have it when you need it. Patrick Chan

Leave America and you'll find that the consumers in many other countries enjoy watching advertising. Not because the products are better, but because the ads are produced to be entertaining. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are dramatic. Sometimes they are just beautiful. Simon Sinek

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly

I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it, and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work, but it ain't easy. Madeline Kahn

It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain. Rick Baker

I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place. Jeff Kinney

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

I'm probably the guy who keeps it loose around the room and tries to joke around with guys before the game, keeping things funny. Patrick Kane

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. Henry David Thoreau

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. Christopher Plummer

One longs to be funny, to make people laugh. Laughter is such a sign of approval, isn't it? Tom Baker

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. Herb Caen

I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. Daisy Ridley

What has been happening more lately - of course, I also put in my bio, I say I do the voice of Goliath, but some people go - you know, I say something, and it's a funny thing when you work in this business, people will talk out loud in front of you like you're not there. Keith David

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. Seann William Scott

Who included me among the ranks of the human race? Joseph Brodsky

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller

Any good humor is sophomoric. 'Sophomoric' is the liberal word for funny. Michael O'Donoghue

It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it's in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person's circumstances and another person's experience. Lupita Nyong'o


I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson

Someone told me I had funny facial expressions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but. Lucy Punch

Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. Tom DeLonge

The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. Brendon Urie

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. Bill Cosby

Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically. Julie Klausner

I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. Molly Ivins

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. Rick Wakeman

I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. Petra Nemcova

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

One man is as good as another until he has written a book. Benjamin Jowett

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? James Thurber

In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not. Bill Bryson

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. Ogden Nash

I love a lot of comedy actors and actresses like Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey and all those women who are really brilliant and funny. Saoirse Ronan

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' Tom Hanks

A dear friend of my early childhood has worked as an anthropologist in Papua New Guinea for much of her life, and from the tiny island where her main work has been focused, she has brought me many funny and beautiful stories over the years. Michael Leunig

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. Robin Williams

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Charles Dudley Warner


When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful. Francois Truffaut

The funny thing about advertising is that it's not a zero-sum game... Historically, in the digital ad world, pie has gotten larger and it's possible for everyone to win, and it's perfectly possible that will continue to be true for quite some time. Eric Schmidt

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that. Wanda Sykes

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. David Sedaris

I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny. Issa Rae

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

I don't sit down to write a funny story. Every single thing I sit down to write is meant to be sad. Lorrie Moore

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. Jim Carrey

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny. Ben Stein

Only the mediocre are always at their best. Jean Giraudoux

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? James Thurber

I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh. Carol Burnett

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations. Daniel Craig

I never thought of myself as like, a funny person. Lena Dunham

We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. Daniel Dennett

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. P. J. O'Rourke

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Joan Rivers

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. Bill Vaughan

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. Henny Youngman

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people. Kesha

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought. Susan Sontag

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? W. Clement Stone

I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference. Conor McGregor

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. Chris Rock

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. Lindsey Stirling

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. Andre Maurois

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar. Alexis Ohanian

Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus. Yuval Noah Harari


I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. Terry Crews

It's funny: in the middle of making 'The Muse,' I was offered, at the time, the first 'Ice Age,' the part that Ray Romano took: I was offered the elephant. And I couldn't even stop to breathe, so I didn't do it. They've made, like, six of them. And in the animation business, for a voice actor, that's what you want. You want six, you know? Albert Brooks

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen

When I write, I'm not trying to be funny. It's the way I look at the world. Billy Collins

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness. Keanu Reeves

You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. Ken Kesey

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life. Lalu Prasad Yadav

Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you're taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you're sketching them. They can look at you and say, 'Oh man, you got me wrong.' Molly Crabapple

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. Paul Lynde

You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time. Michael Schumacher

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit. Ron White

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong! Chad Michael Murray

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting. Bill Gates

Cure for an obsession: get another one. Mason Cooley

The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. Bill Gates

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Lewis Black

I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like, 'Oh my gosh, you look great in your bikini.' I'm like, 'If you only knew what I had for breakfast!' Ashley Tisdale

Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there. Chris Evans

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? Laurence J. Peter

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' Roseanne Barr

My dad was in the army so we moved around a lot and I changed schools every year and had to make new friends, and I found that if I was the funny guy I could do that easier. Jason Gann

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Richard Dawkins

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. Johnny Vegas

I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. Lorrie Moore

I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life. Louie Anderson

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg

Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. Rowan Atkinson

Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not. James Lipton

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. Calvin Trillin


If you're talking about Java in particular, Python is about the best fit you can get amongst all the other languages. Yet the funny thing is, from a language point of view, JavaScript has a lot in common with Python, but it is sort of a restricted subset. Guido van Rossum

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. Thomas Szasz

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. Franklin P. Jones

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. Josh Billings

Making YouTube videos while I was in school, I was fortunate enough not to really have any negative repercussions from it. I had a lot of positive feedback from my friends, who thought they were great and thought they were funny and that what I was doing was really cool. Connor Franta

I'm inspired by people who are unapologetically themselves, from Bill Cosby to Fahim Anwar. Just funny people. Jerrod Carmichael

Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I can't get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon. David Mitchell

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. Gene Wilder

I developed a knack for storytelling early on around the kitchen table with my family. I just happen to be a funny guy. Sebastian Maniscalco

Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time? Malin Akerman

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience. Kevin Hart

I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on the Red Sox is a random millionaire athlete from somewhere else. Julian Casablancas

It's a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote 'Jessie's Girl,' and he probably gets sick of talking about 'Jessie's Girl.' The thing is, I didn't write 'Blurred Lines.' I didn't direct the music video. I'm really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around. Emily Ratajkowski

If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. Maya Angelou

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein

Well, I did Marlene 15 years ago and that's in the style. It's somehow similar and not similar because Marlene was much more aggressive, funny and sad. Maximilian Schell

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough. Eminem

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. Bill Engvall

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. Arthur C. Clarke

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. George Burns

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock

I'm mourning with the rest of the world for the talented, gorgeous, funny, intelligent John Forsythe but my heart is broken for the loss of my dear, dear friend and neighbor. I will miss him terribly. Cheryl Ladd

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. Donald Trump


I'd rather not have a moment when I'm known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer. Kelly Ripa

Include me out. Samuel Goldwyn

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

Novels are not about expressing yourself, they're about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself. Zadie Smith

Maybe that is why kids like Dumbledore: because he is funny rather than a miserable old sod with a long white beard. Michael Gambon

Every man has a sane spot somewhere. Robert Louis Stevenson

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking

I discovered that funny animal pictures - memes - would get a lot of likes and shares. George Takei

I think the word 'pregnant' is funny. Tracy Morgan

I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. Gigi Hadid

The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. Sam Shepard

People think it's funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It's very private. I don't see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I'm wandering around dreaming anyway. Robert Smith

'Hustle' is wonderfully enjoyable because all my life, I've made an effort to be with people who can make me laugh. That original cast - Marc Warren, Jaime Murray, Robert Glenister and Adrian Lester - are all funny. So I know every day I'll have a few good laughs. Robert Vaughn

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken

It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! Garth Brooks

I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent, characters that refuse to grow up. And yet, if you look back in the history of comedy all the way back to the Marx brothers, that's a big part of comedy. Will Ferrell

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. Billy Connolly

It's funny because I want my teeth to be, like, neon 'Real Housewives' white, but mine have stopped taking to teeth whitening. When I talk to my dentist, I'm like, 'They can be that white,' and he's like, 'Veneers can be that white.' Christine Teigen

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. Rob Corddry

It's funny, though, speaking of fathers and sons, because me and John Goodman played father and son, like, five or six years ago in the film 'Death Sentence,' and I got back with him again in 'Inside Llewyn Davis.' Garrett Hedlund


I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. Kevin Hart

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. Simon Sinek

Porsche is a driver's car - a performance car. That was funny - here's this awesome car, but it's got no cup holders. Jason McCoy

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day. Jennifer Aniston

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. P. J. O'Rourke

I think it's one of those funny things - sometimes you're not really friends with somebody until you've gotten into a good fight, and I think that's the situation with Superman and Batman. Mark Valley

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? Casey Stengel

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. Joe Rogan

I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. Moon Unit Zappa

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. Hillary Clinton

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. Don Rickles

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. Les Dawson

I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything. Maggie Smith

The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't. Rob Zombie

I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. Taylor Swift

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen

It's funny how the hippies and the punks tried to get rid of the conservatives, but they always seem to get the upper hand in the end. Bjork

I have a lot of funny friends, though not everyone's funny all the time. Doon Mackichan's my funniest friend in the pub; Nina Conti's the funniest with a monkey. Sally Phillips

Be obscure clearly. E. B. White

I've been called a funny person for a long time. I don't know that I know anything about comedic acting. John Cho

I feel like, if there's an elephant in the room, I'd really like to start off by introducing the elephant in the room. And sometimes it's funny. Louis Theroux

Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way. Tom Hiddleston

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

You see much more of your children once they leave home. Lucille Ball

Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up. Meghan Markle

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. Anna Held

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? Arnold Schwarzenegger


It's a grim business, this being funny. Every time you come up with a strong, satiric idea, the world tops it. Del Close

I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys goes into his trailer, and then people move the stairs, and he comes out of his trailer, and there's no stairs. That's not funny! I don't want to be that guy! Terry Crews

Whether you're old or young or white or black or however, funny is funny, and people want to see those videos. GloZell

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. Paul Merton

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain

I think that I come off as, 'Nothing bothers me, I don't care! I'm funny and sassy.' But I'm deeply sensitive. Not only about myself but to others. Not to pat myself on the back, empathy is a quality I've cultivated over my life. It came naturally to me as a child. Laura Benanti

Ironing boards are a classic example of something I find horrible about modern society: the excitementation, for want of a better word, of mundane things. Funny ironing board covers - I hate them. Daniel Radcliffe

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. Mae West

I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it. Robert Downey, Jr.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. Eric McCormack

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. Harold Wilson

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. Norm MacDonald

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose. James Patterson

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? Margaret Smith

I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. But she was funny. She spent more time worrying about being liked than anything else. Gene Wilder

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. Jimmy Kimmel

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. Reba McEntire

My persona has always been what a man was never supposed to be. Outrageous, gregarious, crazy, silly, funny. Richard Simmons

I don't do it often, but I do cry. I also laugh a lot; people tell me I'm funny and I do like to laugh. Michael Caine

Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to know that you poop. Ryan Hansen

I don't want to sound hoity-toity, but people told me I should watch 'Cheers' because it's very funny. So I watched it, and I just went, 'This is the great show of the universe?' To me, acting is making characters believable, not just doing jokes. Teri Garr

I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look. Ryan Seacrest

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. Quentin Crisp

You're only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

As for our majority... one is enough. Benjamin Disraeli

During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one. Jerry Stiller

When you write something you know, you're making a story that will work, whether or not there's bits taken. It's always funny to me when people say, 'Well, it's clearly autobiographical,' and I say, 'Well, how do you know my autobiography?' Certainly, there are things that are connected, but I just think it's a very interesting assumption. Greta Gerwig

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. H. L. Mencken


When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. George Lopez

Too much agreement kills a chat. Eldridge Cleaver

I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny. Ridley Scott

You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them. Thomas Hardy

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Henry Kissinger

I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. Adam Scott

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! Steve Martin

It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. Matt Lauer

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Billy Connolly

'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. Jonah Hill

Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. Joel Osteen

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. Joe E. Lewis

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. Alex Haley

I'm not funny in person. I mean I'm really not. I'm one of those people who always screw up anecdotes. Bill Bryson

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

I've always surrounded myself with funny people. Leslie Mann

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? Andy Warhol

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. David Letterman

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell

It's a funny thing because I don't want to wish away my privacy. Do I want 'Terminator Genisys' to explode? Absolutely. Do I want to take my career to the next level? Absolutely? You have to trade some things for that. It's all about how you conduct yourself and what you make of the experience. Jai Courtney

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. J. Cole

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. Michael Crichton

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. W. Somerset Maugham

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. Cathy Guisewite

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. Bob Hope

I had a band before I did standup - I've always done music. I got known for being funny, and that's how I make a living - and from acting - but I never stopped playing and producing and recording music. Eddie Murphy


Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow. Tobias Wolff

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell

Men are only as loyal as their options. Bill Maher

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish. Stephen Leacock

A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it. Ivan Reitman

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss

All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. J. B. Priestley

I didn't grow up thinking I was pretty; there was always a prettier girl than me. So I learned to be smart and tried to be funny and develop the inside of me, because I felt like that's what I had. Kerry Washington

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. Jerry Seinfeld

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. P. G. Wodehouse

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Jack Benny

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting. John Oliver

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London

If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. Seth MacFarlane

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job. Christian Bale

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. Jerome K. Jerome

I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. Rob Lowe

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore

It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - I love changing up my hair. Kate Bosworth

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. Imelda Marcos

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. Tucker Max

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. P. J. O'Rourke

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. Rose Kennedy

God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones. Jerry Lewis

Its funny, because for females in general - not just in music, but the corporate ladder as well - anything we do has always been harder for us. When it comes to music, the industry wants you to conform, to look like this and to sound like this and do this or that. It makes it harder. It's harder for us to come out and be bosses and lead the pack. Missy Elliott

I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller

What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. Scott Hamilton

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. Bill Burr

Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' David L. Wolper

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg

It's great working with Steve Carell and Jim Carrey. Those guys are really funny. Steve Buscemi

Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up. Rita Ora

Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. Norman Douglas

The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know? Mick Ralphs

Never put a sock in a toaster. Eddie Izzard

Communism is like one big phone company. Lenny Bruce

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. Don Rickles


There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that. Dave Navarro

I loved cartoons as a kid, and so many funny moments in animation for me are nonverbal sounds, unarticulated mouth noise. Alan Tudyk

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. Esther Williams

It's funny, because when you're younger you're in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows? Mark Wahlberg

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. Douglas Adams

'Crash' came from personal experience. I saw things inside me from living in L.A. that made me uncomfortable. I saw horrible things in people and saw terrible things in myself. I saw a black director completely humiliated, but the three people around me just thought it was funny. 'No,' I said, 'that is selling your soul.' Paul Haggis

When you're a woman, you have to work harder to get a laugh... I follow so many hilarious women on Twitter. It's a daily reminder that women get to be funny. Rainbow Rowell

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. P. G. Wodehouse

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. Logan Pearsall Smith

With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. Kristen Wiig

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson

I'm doing a pilot for Comedy Central with the band Steel Panther. They're faux heavy metal. They started as kind of a tribute band out here, or a cover band, and they're funny guys, and they just sort of morphed into their own thing. Brian Posehn

I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, 'Oh I'm the fat, funny one,' because that's what people would say about me. But I never really thought that. Khloe Kardashian

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me. Drew Brees

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. Sam Levenson

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. Emma Watson

I like children - fried. W. C. Fields

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. W. H. Auden

What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They're really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love 'em; they're awesome. They're good people. Larry the Cable Guy

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood? Eddie Van Halen

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh. Joe Rogan

To me, what separates a funny movie from a good movie is something personal. Seth Rogen

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken

When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind. I don't remember how old she was at the time, but she just had this edgy hour that had so much funny stuff in it, and she was so fearless. If you only watch her on the red carpet, you don't get a sense of what a legendary standup comedian she is. Chelsea Peretti

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. Fanny Brice

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. Bill Burr

I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions. Rowan Atkinson

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. Arthur Conan Doyle

I was taught that you can't be a healthy individual without art, music, or nature in your life. All my art is tied into inner cultural experience. It has to do with music or ceremonies or nature, even the funny ones. Michael Horse

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. Laurence J. Peter

I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. Psy

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. Rosie Perez

My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice. Kendall Jenner


There weren't any funny people in sports or the Spanish club. All the really creative, witty, funny people that made your belly hurt were in the theater program. Sean Hayes

If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. Carrie Fisher

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Eddie Izzard

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. William Feather

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. Audrey Hepburn

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. J. D. Salinger

I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy. Daryl Hall

I can't stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people - it really cheers me up. Ariana Grande

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. Josh Billings

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. Paris Hilton

I'm for whatever gets you through the night. Frank Sinatra

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. Jerry Seinfeld

I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people. Kurt Vonnegut

I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. Karan Patel

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

You know what's funny is, when I made 'Saw,' I got accused of being a fascist; when I made 'Insidious,' I got accused of being godless, and now I made the 'Conjuring' films, and I'm accused of being too much God. James Wan

What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. Samuel Beckett

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? Leo Durocher

It's a funny old world. Margaret Thatcher

I guess when I think about it, one of the things I like to dramatise, and what is sometimes funny, is someone coming unglued. I don't consider myself someone who is making the argument that I support these choices. I just think it can be funny. Wes Anderson

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. Dylan Moran

It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Johnny Depp

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny. Maynard James Keenan

I really started to enjoy Instagram more recently because it's something that shows people what I'm doing and what I'm going through, but it's so simple. I don't have to come up with something witty; it's just a funny photo, and you can be as artistic or as plain Jane as you want. Alex Morgan

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys. Megan Fox

There are some situations in life that are simply not funny, and there's nothing funny about them, but they're rare, and they don't last all that long. Kenneth Lonergan

My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell. Tig Notaro

I love 'Saturday Night Live,' and it's such a funny show. I don't know if I'm funny enough to be on it but definitely would be interested in doing it. Lindsey Vonn

Some of my fans don't really like it when I respond to people who say things that are trying to be hurtful on social media. But I think it's kind of funny. There's a lot of things that make me laugh, that people would try and say those things. I mean, there's some that I can't even retweet or respond to just because of how bad it is. Rickie Fowler

The importance of satire is bringing more people to the table. There are a lot of average citizens who aren't interested in politics and would be more interested if it's brought to them in a comedic, funny, satirical way. Bassem Youssef

It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. Johnny Depp

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. Wilson Mizner

The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. Malin Akerman

I find it really funny that men can always get away with being a ladies man. Everyone thinks it's really cool. But a girl can't really date boys all the time because everybody looks down on her. I think boys get away with things so much easier. Jade Thirlwall

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women - we're all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn't matter, as long you're funny. Sandra Bullock

I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. R. L. Stine

There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. Vladimir Nabokov

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

I have an unfortunate personality. Orson Welles

Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny. Benedict Cumberbatch

Being mean just for being mean's sake isn't funny. Kaitlin Olson

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. Charles Kettering

The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, 'What are you talking about?' Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it's not what people expect for you they kind of react funny. Joan Jett

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen

I have seen and heard comedians who had really funny 'stuff' but yet could not make the people laugh; then, again - I have seen others whose stuff was anything but humorous, and the audience would howl with laughter. Al Jolson

Never fight an inanimate object. P. J. O'Rourke

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. Jim Gaffigan

Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over. Nicole Holofcener

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. Edith Sitwell


It's funny: I've always had the analogy of a snow globe, that Hollywood is a snow globe. No, it's true. If you shake it up, you can look at it and really enjoy it. But don't ever go in. Don't ever buy into it and be like, 'I deserve all of this!' because it can go away at any time, so just have a lot of fun. John Krasinski

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. James Thurber

There's a lot of pretty funny women out there. Chelsea Handler

When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I'm not really into serious programmes or documentaries. Amy Childs

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips

When you're eight years old nothing is your business. Lenny Bruce

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. Lewis Black

It's funny, I'm very analytical in my real life, but in terms of my films, I try to not analyze them at all and let things just go into them and let them be what they are. I mean, people ask me to this day what 'The Squid and the Whale' stood for, and I have no idea except that it's an exhibit in the Natural History Museum. Noah Baumbach

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. Milton Berle

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben

Crashing is never funny, but sometimes you can jump up, laugh at your stupidity, and go, 'What the hell was that?' Jens Voigt

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. Ron White

When people say 'Charlie Chaplin' I still think now of the guy in the moustache and bowler hat and funny walk - I don't think of an old man who was my grandfather. Oona Chaplin

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz

I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. Elton John

I saw a stationery store move. Jay London

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright

Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. Jack Black

Chess is a thinking person's game. But you don't have to be smart to know what's funny! Lots of check, mate! Steve Breen

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. Bill Hicks

I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life. Chris Isaak

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. Jay London

I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. Jenna McCarthy

I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. LeBron James

I really wanted to just be a musician. I didn't want to be anything else, but I was funny and all that. Jamie Foxx

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. George Takei

I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it. Ze Frank

I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She's British. She's funny. She's just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well. Millie Bobby Brown

I think there's something in the fact that it's hard to be good looking and funny. You have to have an oddball quality; people have to sympathise with you to find you funny. Chris O'Dowd

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. Steve Jobs

I hear a lot of people singing in funny voices and singing like they're stupid. Singing in a deliberately fey and dumb and childish way. And I find it to be a disturbing trend. Daryl Hall

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov

I'm usually always very happy and funny and positive. It's only when I'm tired that I get a little low energy. Nargis Fakhri

I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!' Issa Rae

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers

Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy! Hannah Murray

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. Charles Darwin


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

People often ask me how I make things funny. I don't make things funny. Richard Russo

It's funny: the one time I got star-struck was when I met Snoop Dogg. I gave him a hug and said, 'I love you, man.' Mark Foster

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. Dick Cavett

Instant gratification takes too long. Carrie Fisher

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. Ernest Hemingway

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. Will Ferrell

It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day. Medgar Evers

What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. Christopher Fry

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. Michael J. Fox

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go. Gertrude Stein

There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. Will Ferrell

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. E. B. White

I like to play music, and I like to be funny, so I just do both at the same time. Christopher Guest

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West

Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time. Denis Leary

One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan

As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted. Seth Rogen

What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human. Ze Frank

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. Johnny Carson

I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. Donald Glover

My company is known for being funny as well as moving. You get a bit of everything in these shows. I think people know they're going to have a surprising experience. Matthew Bourne

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? Don Rickles

I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? Tom Brady

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. Will Ferrell

There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' Todd Phillips

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it. Eddie Murphy

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth. Kara Walker

I make funny videos of me playing video games, and I share those moments. PewDiePie

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not. Joe Biden

I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he's great, such a great dude, and really funny. Bo Burnham

I don't think comedy necessarily comes from a dark place. But I do think what a lot of us have in common is that, growing up, being funny was a coping mechanism. Sean Hayes

It's funny, because I've never thought of myself as a Hispanic actor, like in 'American Gangster,' I'm playing an Italian. I've always been fortunate enough to have been allowed to play all these diverse roles. Yul Vazquez

I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film. Melissa Rosenberg

I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. Marion Barry

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. Walt Whitman

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great. Shaun White

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' Ice Cube

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. Cathy Guisewite

Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. Dolly Parton

It is possible to have good manners and be funny at the same time. Ronnie Barker and I proved that. Ronnie Corbett

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. Don Herold

I'd love to do a comedy. I always told myself that I don't have funny bones, and then I was working with Dervla Kirwan in 'Uncle Vanya,' and she was like, 'Lara, you're really, really funny.' And I realised I am, and that's not even me blowing my own trumpet. Lara Pulver

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood. Paul O'Grady

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. Saul Bellow

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner

Sometimes, the other characters are too normal and then you start to be brought back to reality but then Luna shows up and she is just so funny and cool and honest and slightly mad and she's all that matters. She is 100% true. She puts on no shows, because she is so comfortable with herself. Evanna Lynch

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up. Lynda Barry

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan

'I Love You, Man' was kind of funny. Ethan Coen

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? Robin Williams

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. Douglas Coupland

Sex is funny and love is serious. Stephan Jenkins

It is really funny when people say you'd be obvious for a great villain. Angelina Jolie

I've always liked older women. One sad thing about being my age is that there are no older women. I used to amuse my mother's friends even at five or six with witty turns of phrase. Somehow, I just knew how to be funny. Howard Jacobson

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. Justin Bieber

It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. Grimes

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. Don Marquis

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. Josh Billings

Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. P. J. O'Rourke

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. Logan Pearsall Smith

It's a funny thing. I'll be in my home town of Columbus at a restaurant or something, and the waiter maybe asks, 'What do you do?' and I say, 'Oh, I'm in a band... Twenty One Pilots,' and he'll say, 'Cool, I'll check it out. I never heard of them.' And then I say, 'In September we're playing the Schottenstein Center,' and it's like, 'What?!' Tyler Joseph

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. Ellen DeGeneres

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. Chris Rock

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Jack Benny

The thing I most hate about the Left is that they want to stop us laughing - to prescribe which jokes are OK and which are not OK to make in public and to draw artificial lines around certain subjects. I find all sorts of inappropriate things funny. Milo Yiannopoulos

Sometimes I can't believe I'm going to be 60. I always say there's no point moaning about getting older, when there's nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, 'Really? Me?' Twiggy

I own and operate a ferocious ego. Bill Moyers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

What really irks me is the snide victimizing suggestion from some that I have tried to be lighthearted and funny... Oh my God - this is so offensive. Michael Leunig

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. Zach Galifianakis

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. Tom Hanks


If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Ellen DeGeneres

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. Kurt Fuller

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

The real challenge lies in maintaining dignity while being funny. I am in awe of Krushna Abhishek's energy and Bharti Singh's wit. They are infectious and selfless. Amruta Khanvilkar

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney

What I like best is a book that's at least funny once in a while. What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though. J. D. Salinger

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai E. Stevenson

I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. Judy Garland

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. Steve Irwin

The funny thing about television is that once you start to do it you never get time to watch it. Kevin Sorbo

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed. David Heyman

You're unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things. Richard P. Feynman

I try to become a singer. The guitar has always been abused with distortion units and funny sorts of effects, but when you don't do that and just let the genuine sound come through, there's a whole magic there. Jeff Beck

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. Richard Lewis

Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. Shah Rukh Khan

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. Norman Wisdom

I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. Rhys Darby

The great thing for me about 'The Resurrection of Gavin Stone' is it's a throwback to the old fashioned Hollywood movie that you can watch with your family, has a message, and is funny and entertaining. They didn't call them faith-based movies; they just called them good movies. D. B. Sweeney

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon Phelps

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. James Brown

I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. Brittany Snow

I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. Charlotte McKinney

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. Daniel Tosh

Every now and then, when I think about it, I think, 'What would I even talk about onstage?' It's never been, 'I wonder if I'm funny. I wonder if I can come up with jokes.' It's more, 'What would it be like without the leather suit and the anger?' Eddie Murphy

One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland

It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance. Jeremy Lin

If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. Leo Howard

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. William Arthur Ward

A word to the wise is infuriating. Hunter S. Thompson

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. Gilbert Gottfried

I'm the one who's dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I'm probably not the first person on their list - the weird, quirky, funny girl. Whitney Cummings

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. Robert A. Heinlein

There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data. Yuval Noah Harari

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? Robert Benchley

I don't know if I'm embarrassed because I think it's a funny show, but I could imagine there being a snootiness about it, but I do find 'The Big Bang Theory' very funny. I think that's a good show. I think it's fun, I like the actors; I think they're all doing a great job. Stephen Merchant

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis

I can speak Esperanto like a native. Spike Milligan

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. Danny Boyle

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn